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It
Matters How
You Start by
Diane Grigg
A
long-held
personal
philosophy—“It
matters
how you
start”—continues
to guide
me as I
travel
with
people
experiencing
the
intense
and
complex
emotions
of two
universal
human
experiences:
conflict
and
grief.
As a
Mediator
(facilitating
families
meetings
to
address
a
conflict)
and as a
Funeral
Celebrant
(helping
families
plan
funerals
and
memorial
services),
I am
mindful
of the
extraordinary
importance
of first
interaction.
Aware of
that
critical
starting
point, I
begin
every
family
meeting—whether
there’s
a
conflict
to
address
or a
funeral
to
plan—with
a calm
and
compassionate
demeanor:
a firm
handshake
and a
warm
greeting
that
includes
an
exchange
of
names.
Then, in
preparation
for our
important
conversations,
I
address
the
significant
issues
of
seating
and how
our
meeting
will
unfold.
• When I
mediate,
I
politely
direct
the
seating—establishing
an
arrangement
that
encourages
equality
and
human
connection,
both
verbal
and
non-verbal.
• When I
meet
with a
grieving
family,
I
genuinely
express
my
condolences
to each
person
and
always
allow
the
family
to
determine
the
meeting
setting
and the
seating
arrangements.
• As a
mediator,
I
concisely
and
eloquently
present
an
opening
statement
that
provides
parties
with an
overview
of the
mediation
process.
• As a
celebrant,
I thank
family
members
for the
honor of
choosing
me, give
them a
general
idea of
how we
can work
together,
and then
let them
decide
how we
will
proceed.
Each of
these
initial
actions
and
first
words
creates
an
environment
of trust
and
caring,
and
provides
participants—whether
they are
facing
conflict
or
grief—with
hopeful
expectations
for
addressing
the
intense
emotions
they are
experiencing.
Once I
have the
family
meeting
“off on
the
right
foot,” I
constantly
strive
to
ensure
that two
intertwined
activities
are part
of all
of our
conversations:
acknowledging
emotions
and
asking
good
questions.
Life and
work
experiences
have
shown me
how
challenging
it is
for most
people
to
articulate
their
deepest
thoughts
and
feelings,
especially
when
they are
grieving
or
embroiled
in a
dispute.
So as I
facilitate
family
meetings,
I
consciously
weave
multiple
conversational
strategies
into all
the
group’s
interactions.
•
Remaining
totally
present.
Family
members
are my
guides.
Whether
I
accompany
them
through
grief or
conflict,
I cannot
miss a
word, a
phrase,
or a
gesture—for
any of
these
may be
the key
to an
important
opinion,
significant
emotion,
or
thought-provoking
question.
•
Listening
for
facts
and
feelings.
Simultaneously
listening
for
facts
and
feelings
generates
understanding
and
deeper
connections
among
all.
When
done
genuinely
and
without
judgment,
family
members
see the
world
through
others’
eyes as
well as
through
their
own
“new”
eyes—and
are also
more
comfortable
with
feedback
and more
welcoming
of
questions.
• Asking
well-timed
and
excellently
worded
questions.
Bereaved
families
as well
as
families
who are
in
conflict
gain
clarity
through
pertinent
questions.
The
response
to a
single
question
can
create
an
“ah-ha”
moment,
generate
an idea,
or
initiate
development
of a new
life
strategy.
Yes, it
matters
how you
start! A
great
beginning
sets the
stage
for the
challenging
and
important
work
families
are
tackling—and
opens
doors
that
bring
each
family
member
to a new
place.
These
meetings
have
always
brought
me to a
new
place,
too. I
have
never
concluded
a family
meeting
without
feeling
more
aware of
what it
means to
be
human.
Biography:
Diane
Grigg is
a
Certified
Mediator
and a
Funeral
Celebrant
who
serves
families
at
end-of-life
as they
resolve
conflicts
and as
they
plan
funeral
and
memorial
services.
She
lives
and
works in
the
Chicago
area.
Telephone
847-965-8970
E-Mail
diane.grigg@prodigy.net
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